DIRTY LAUNDRY...

"You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve" - Al Swearengen

So despite watching Deadwood (in which i discovered Lovejoy is the pottymouth king) i've been stepping up the training..
Lifting heavier weights and training more often with less rest..
Bueno

One thing however that i didn't expect to find so difficult is juggling my day job and this documentary.

I work as a concept developer. I help people to come up with cool ideas, do research and develop pitches for different audiences.
It's a groovy job, but it relies a lot on motivation and enthusiasm...
Every single project i work on and i develop i am 100% enthusiastic about..it's how i roll. I work crazy hours and throw my heart and soul into every pitch out of a genuine passion for making something cool.
I won't deny that sometimes that enthusiasm has to be summoned up..but once i get going i genuinely care about making everything i've worked on the best it can be.
It's a matter of pride. That's why i think i'm damn good at my job.
Every victory brings a massive smile to my face and every failed project keeps me awake at night.
The same goes for this film.
I'm having to muster double the enthusiasm, double the motivation and double the heart.
To dig deep and find the extra will to finish a set of Turkish Getups..to give it everything i've got is harder than i'd ever imagined. To then wake up the next morning battered with exhaustion and sit at my desk, open a project file and begin typing enthsiastically takes more out of me as well..

I don't begrudge the position i've placed myself in. This is the challenge of a lifetime, the chance to really see who i am. But sometimes it's tough..
I'm learning to split my lives into two..to use different emotional and physical reserves for different times of the day.
This film is genuinely changing me and my personality.
it's weird...

I've really started treating this blog and my diary cam like a confessional, pouring all these feelings out and airing all my dirty laundry for you guys to read...
it still feels incredibly uncomfortable and a little unsettling.
People talk to me about the project and mention stuff i've written and i'm shocked how much they know about me...
I've got to get used to that...

I've described my life as being a bit "batman meets fight club" before. I was half joking but there is a funny element of truth to that.
I do sometimes feel like i'm leading a double life. Having a kick ass batcave (The Fridge) is part of it. It's weird that i'm facing my fears of violence by learning to use weapons..i know it's odd. Especially as i would never dream of carrying one in a million years.
I can't help but feel like i'm playing make believe...

There is also that sick sense of curiosity that Fight Club portrayed so well. The side of me that does ridiculous things just to see what will happen.
What does it feel like to be hit with a stick travelling at over 70 miles an hour?
Can i lift that 20 kilo weight above my head without doing myself a mischief?
Can i cope with being punched in the face?

3 months ago i didn't even want to know the answer...now, hell, i'm curious...

now, back to typing...office brain..ACTIVATE!

Andy